moved. for more privacy.

i passed my basic theory test

yeah. i passed my basic theory test. and now, i cant sleep. whats next?
so many things happened these few days that i could hardly rmb things that happened. i was knitting. just now. then. this thought came into my head. who am i knitting for this time? eunice knows who she's knitting for, and i used to know who i was knitting for. gena knows who she wanted to knit for, and i used to know who i wanted to knit for. but now, i knit. without anyone in mind to give it to.

there's so much love within me. that there's no space for anything else. and yet there's no other outlet to let the feelings run. there's no one to be one the receiving end. and this questions the need of love. the purpose of love. and why? who doesnt wish to have someone to hold? but who can love you without being told? well.

you aint going to hurt me anymore...

...because there's nothing left already.

maybe ive been really bwrong about things. about the people ard me. im confused. and i completely agree with eunice. its surprising why am i even feeling the same way as her. i dont know what to say anymore. click on her link. (sorry kiddo hope you dont mind)

and i will work. work very hard. till i collaspe. that is. if anyone would notice.

i will wear these scars for everyone to see.

went to school today like usual. and i knew today was going to be a bad day. i cried so much last night, i have an econs test today and worse of all,, i'll be taking the test in the same lecture hall for as much as i hate it to be. turns out. the test was pretty fine just that i didnt really have the time to complete everything. i didnt have alot to say anyway. just hope that i can pass. but, just when the test was about to start, the teacher asked, "who have not gotten your question papers?" i merely spaced out. and i saw him, raising his hand. my heart crinched(if thats how i spell it).up till the point when the teacher said we could start, i was still dazing. my reactivity time has slowed down. probably due to the lack of sleep. im supposed to be doing work. but im here wasting 10 mins of my life blogging.

i just came home today. no. i came home and went out again. for tuition. as thou as i were the one having exams. hms im not. im giving tuition. just in case the super lag you still dont know. i did my lit analysis while she did her written assignment. i tend to pick up small little times to do little work but waste big times doing nothing, or rather crying over evaporated water.

i ask myself. each day after he was gone. i keep questioning myself. so many questions. so many answers. i dont want pity. thats my conclusion. if i were to come to a point where he comes back to me because of pity, its really pointless i guess. rather, could i be strong? so that he will fall in love with me again? probably he doesnt and he wont. but its still better than wallowing in self pity. i wore a jacket to school today. to cover up my scars. after the test, i realised. i didnt have to. the people ard me wont notice it even if i left it visible. im just this unimportant sometimes. or really, do the girl have to die before being able to get the attention she wants? oh no. i dont want attention. i just want to be happy. and i think im happy just like that. i do what i like. whats wrong with eating packet lunch at home? whats wrong with walking ard in school alone? whats wrong with studying alone in school. there is nothing wrong with being alone. why do people judge me for walking alone? why can i feel those eyes looking at me when i'm alone? why cant i be alone? ir maybe ther arent even looking at me. they arent even judging me. i mthe one who's constantly looking at myself, judging at myself. deep down, i know only i can define myself. no one else knows me well enough to define me. maybe mummy can. but no one else can. i like staying at home now. at least i get recognised for things i do. at least i can laugh whole heartedly at lame jokes my mother and sister makes. i can cry and i can do anything i want without being judged. even if im judged i know its because they love me and they will love me still unconditionally no matter how they judge me. this is family. if you arent feeling this from home, i think its time to reconsider your relation ship with family. okay. this coming from me isnt really convincing. relationships. i suck at it.

and yes. its you that made me feel this way. and thank you sebby. for your encouragement. you are the only one whom i really can talk to. and not fear being judged in school. im really afraid to be judged now i guess. thats makes you special. maybe no more lovers. but friends forever! (:

ive edited my list. my love list. i realise i actually love alot of people. for who they are and what they are to me. i dotn show it, doesnt mean i dont love you. some ppl might actually be surprised that you're in my list. those who are not, its probably im still trying to love you & probably im at the stage of liking you now (: because when i love someone. its uncondional love.

MUMMY,MEIMEI,brianTHEpig,dk,zh,c,j,rn,kj,rbk,ger,kid,gn,seb,zy,sw.

(:(:(: and i love myself.
ps. i crossed the road today with my eyes closed.

you dont mean what you say. do you?

truth reveals itself in the night. most of the time.

when the night falls, we start to ponder. for how long more will this night last? this night is cold. this night is painful. this night if full of tears and sorrow. when will it ever end?

i am a lucky child. am i? i think so. i dont know. who knows enough to tell me if im lucky or not? or.. being lucky cant be defined. it depends.. it depends on how you look at it. i have a wonderful mum who nags at me. she nags cause she cares and she's really awesome. but the only thing is, i dont know how to share my problems with her. i dont know how to share my problems with everybody. i cant share, especially when it comes to my emotions. i end up crying like shit. it makes me hate myself more when im not able to control my emotions and flare up at my family for no partiicular reason. and it really hurts me cos i know they are the only ones in thie entire world that will love me unconditionally, that will accept me for who i am. and im glad i have them. but shit. deanna. stop hurting your family. you suck. i know i do. im sorry :(

im starting to doubt the people ard me. and i know its wrong! but im still doing it because i cant help it. it appears to me that people can change so quickly that you can hardly catch up. and this is so scary. one day your lover, the other, your foe. its so superficial. or maybe its me that's superficial, but why cant ppl seethe fragility in life? why cant some ppl just start to realise how frail life is? why cant you just treasure me? the person standing right in front of you? the world's furthest distance to me right now is no longer life and death(cliche i know), but me, standing in front of you, and you, knowing that i love you yet not willing to acknowledge that fact. heartaches. hurts. it does. as i try not to hurt, i hurt more people.. why? by moving on, i hurt. but staying stagnant, im hurting inside. what can i do? tmr's econs test. quite impt test i guess. but what am i still doing here? i cant sleep. the moment i close my eyes, i see the scenes where we not like now. its just a couple of days and many things have changed. my attitude to people have changed, my attitude towards school work has changed, people's attitude towards me have changed. but one thing doesnt change. the broken heart is still there in its brokened pieces; still bleeding. and till oneday, the heart dies, the girl dies and all the people who loves her will start to notice her again. but till then, its all too late.

i dont want to be a dancing diva. i dont want to be the center of attraction. no more. maybe i used to want it. but no more. i dont want to strive to be the shinning star anymore. i just want to be normal. a normal girl who is able to love and to receive love; to be able to smile each day when she see her closest friends in school; to be able to do well in her studies(or at least passable). thats it! there's nth more than this in life as a student. i dont want to be president, i dont want to be dancing diva. if i could choose, i'll give up everything i have, just to have a plain and simple life, filled with happiness and joy. im nothing more than a machine that can cry right now.i depreciate and thats it. im alr depreciating. probably to come to the end of my life span soon? thats how pathetic life is for me. (in my opinion). but can anything really be changed? i dont think so.

picking myself up is not an option for me for im weak to begin with. learning to live with tearsis probably a better solution.

p.s. ive learnt to study/do econs essay crying alr.

you're hot and you're cold

i think its time i not hide my feelings anymore. i had enough trying to cover up my feelings and i had enough dealing with all the problems on my own. i had enough blogging in my private blog and talking to walls and crying into mirrors telling myself to stay strong. its time i make my feelings felt. the reflection that i see is a stupid girl, who does not know what she is doing anymore. i didnt use to be like that. but now, why?

gena asked me 2 impt questions today. that made me tear instantly. but i hid my tears. i didnt want to let anyone cone into my alr frail heart to hurt me anymore. i dont want to reveal my weakness. i choose to put up a stong front. but now, just for this moment, let me take down this strong front and just let me cry? gena asked,"if a sniper were to walk into college and start shooting randomly, who will you wish for to be safe and be with you at the moment?" even before finishing her question, i had an answer alr. and when i asked my answer this similar question, his answer was,"i'll run home to protect myself." it says so much, doesnt it? who am i even your heart right now? i dont belive that feelings change so easily and i dont believe that you completely have let me go. why did you even walk me to the gate? why did you say bye, and still wait for me on the other side of the door? i dont want a literature analysis of you. but i just want to know your heart. i dont want keep my feelings for you hidden anymore. and i dont care the consequences anymore. i had enough of this kind of lifestyle. you can continue pushing me away. but ultimately, you will come to realise that i will always be here for you. here comes gena's second question. "how do you know when is the right time to let go (& leave it to fate) or to fight on for the things you want in life." i teared instantly again. i hid it again. i was scared. for god knows what reasons, i was scared. very scared. in my head, thousand and one things crashed down tgt. i had no idea how to breath. even up till now. i still have no idea how to breath without you.

we tend to lose things when we dont show our affection. but thats not the reason why i lost you. but one thing doesnt change; that is, our motto rmb? what was in it? what we promised each other? our policies? do you have any idea how much you're affecting me? do you have any idea what difference you make to my life each day? do you have any idea why im forsaking so many other things in my life just for you? do you know why am i doind everything (including this post) for? its for you. its for the love that i believe once existed and is still existing. i believe in it. i never lied about my feelings for you. and i trust you didnt. thats why im still here. at where you left me. now that you're gone, what can i say? i go to school each day because i know i can get to see you. i cant wait for school to end because we can study tgt after that. i dread the day to end because i have to wait another day before being able to see you again. i study hard partly because we promised each other that we'll roll into honour rolls tgt.. now that you're gone, what else can i say?

you would know im talking about you if you are the person. because we share so many things in this short time. its says alot as well. the tune of bolero is still in my head. just because you told me its your favourite song. and im learning to play it. you promised to play the piano for me and i thought i could return the ffavour by playing your fav song for you. but i guess.. its all too late. is it?

but still, it feels so much better letting my feelings being heard(hurt). yes? no? continue hating me. but i will continue loving you. and i will continue learning the song. just in case oneday, you will want to hear me play it for you..

OUR KID AS CUTE AS THIS

this was taken during national day celebration on school. and this photo, really meant alot to me. it says so much about the changes that were going on.. and i really like this idea of change. im happy about it. im serious :)

there are so many things in my head recently again. i thought those days were gone, but they're back now. and i completely have no idea why. but im sure that this is a so much more easier decision to make. that is to; give in. convince yourself deanna. cos you are problem. sorry for dissapointing you today :( i dont want to hide it anymore, but im afraid that i'll hurt ppl by revealing the truth. im blabbering, talking nonsense.

ignore me.

im bad.

go away.

bye.

looking ahead.

time check. 12.23am

these days ive not been sleeping really well. i take a long time to fall to sleep. and probably thats because there are too many things that are in my head. too many decisions to make and to many determinations to take. so many things that i have to refrain myself from, so many things that i have to tell myself no.

lets look at what work ive not done so that i can keep my focus. econs tutorial, complete the case studies: singapore, india, germany. and please read up on the text book about government policies. maths: OMG integration and integration and integration. history is fine. read up on the notes. and probably prepare for consultation. literature: carol ann duffy poem essay, richard close reading. and yupp. nothing much alr. but hey. look at the amt of time that i have. its not enough and probably ive wasted another half an hour of my life typing this while thing here out. but who cares enough to realise that except me anyway!

guess where that pic was taken and sms the answer to me and you'll be entitled a gift. HAHAH! damn bored. i need my life please. everything is so screwed and i think i need to take a clear stand soon. i need to make a decision like tonight. WOW.

now lets talk about my goals for promos. i know this seems @.@ but yeah. i want to roll myself into honour rolls! i dont think its impossible. i've never wanted something so badly in my life before. i dont want to be seen as a stupid retainee that is always fooling ard and not studying anymore. i want to prove to everyone that by staying one more year, might probably be the correct way out if we cant cope. you get what i mean?

History @H2: A-- 20 RP

Literature @H2: A-- 20 RP

Economics @H2: B-- 17.5 RP

Maths @H1: C-- 7.5 RP

General Paper @H1: B -- 8.75 RP

TOTAL: 73.75 ranking points.

(should be able to alr right?)

well. this is the target. and probably i'll fall way below it. but at least i have a target. :):) and i know what im working for. probably im working for the end of all this pain and misery! :)

<3

when things arent the same anymore

you dont have to be a leader in name to be a leader in action.

ive learnt.

think things

blogger is back to normal. i can finally post photos! YAY! haha.

well. emo momo here.
things are going faster than it should and i have no confidence to pull it thru promos. there are still 2 more months to go and at this rate. i am going to >.< but there again, we promised to roll into honour rolls tgt. haha. well. tonight, you could say, is the accelerated night. many things happened. in, and out of our control. thou they are minor things, i could feel that it is changing. but i dont want anything to change! i like the way it is now. the ambiguous way that everyone starts guessing and even myself! i tend to guess alot about the things gone right/wrong, things that i should have or should not have done. and it seems to me that i cant judge anymore. piority is definitely studies but can i study without that pressence? i probably cant.
when things dont change, i want it to change. sometimes even without knowing what i wanted it to be. and when things change, expectedly or unexpectedly, im afraid of that change. i dont know if i really wanted that change to even happen at all in the first place! i find it so ironic that im feeling this way. it shouldnt be right?
i like to feel protected and loved (who doesnt) but there again. i cant lose this battle. i have to win, and win it victoriously. i know that battle against the big P is all i want to do right now. but things are getting in my way. no. i should say. things are aiding my way to winning this battle but i just dont know how to handle it well enough yet.

i still need to grow. well yeah. grow. like a cactus.

there is a reason

i believe there is a reason behind all the things we do. consciously or sub-consciously. but i guess. i dont know what i want now. im at a confused stage. and like how i would tell all the other people..

dont do anything when you're confused. you get the other hurt..

alrights.
:)

why cant i post photos?

aye! back from concert. thou some parts was a bit boring and put pohzy to sleep, it was still quite good. the goldfish was zai just that the song is too long. lose attentions easily. bolero is awesome to the max man! HAHAH! but i still cant freaking get that tempo that was repeated 500over times accordingly.

ate icecream walked abit, esplanade roof and etc etc.. not bad. i took pictures! but i cant seem to upload it here. so irritating. ts on facebook k peeps!

kay. im waiting now. for verification.

lead with you heart.

do we even know what went wrong? could we even tell that there was something wrong? when it all comes to an end, we realise that we are not alone. sometimes i find myself in a falling action, but look ard and we will find ppl falling tgt with us..

i dont know what is going to happen tmr. but i sincerely hope its the best for everyone, for the things and one we love. and probably its on of the things that i considered the most while making the decision. i dont know how will everyone react but i guess i'll still have to do it. this a neccesary evil. :):) hahha! *evil laughters! nah. but really had a good talk with ppl that are more experienced than i am and are in a better position to judge..

sometimes we fall alone and i hope this time, i'm not alone.
(okay lah. i know got pohzy according to him. but still.. hahah! there's this reliability question going still. HAHAH! oh! and thanks for visiting me- seriously scary)

ALL THE BEST.

today was farewell. there were less people than i thought we would have. well at least those who went made everything worthwhile. we were all having fun :) i shall post the photos when i recieve them.. i will miss the times we had tgt seniors!

it started with practice, in which we went in and out to get materials and to prepare them. and stashing them at the squash courts! :) had ice breakers and even before lunch, i had to go for lessons. luckily i was back in time for the showdown of water bombs between exco and us. tried to dry up a little and went inside for the prize giving ceremony. was really happy that zhiwen and ziyang came down inspite of all their busy schedules! :)
the songs were really nice. i hoped the seniors liked it. i personally enjoyed it wuite a fare bit. and it was surely nice to hear the words of gratitute and encouragement from both J1s and J2s. i know this might be a simple farewell, that is not really well coordinated, i hope you enjoyed it.

and for my exco, thank you for all your efforts put in. like what i said in co room, no matter how great i am. i wouldnt be able to accomplish all these on my own. you guys really make co special. i might not be the best leader and have not been really good in certain areas, i hope you'll allow me to learn as i continue to do my best for nyco. :) you all also kk! i love you guys too.

im really tired now. very very tired. kk. time to rest.
and i dont agree. you are a good guy. :)

looking at your eye

it doesnt matter where you go, does it? you just need to go with the correct people.. <3

aw(e)some-ness

today was awesome. great hangout with jasmine, ryna, clarissa, zhenhao, yida and daniel. it has been a gazilion years since i went out with all of them!

clarissa and i shared a beef soup meal and it was nice kk! sashimi there is really good too. jasmine and ryna shared theirs :) as usual it was the fattening and non-fattening talk that went on and on before we finally decided on what to order. zhenhao ordered this meal that was super worth it. don+udon! and its very full (according to him). yida and daniel ate this noodle in a super big bowl. was damn hilarious i tell you but its also very nice :):):):):). then came the ice coffee incident (which was super hilarious too!) but poor zh's crumpler. hahah.

trained to millenia(if thats how you spell it) for YAMI! :) ate. and as usual the guys joked like crazy. the jokes that yida hated daniel for breaking the answers; the times where they claimed that they were backstabbing each other and they started pulling out knives from each other's back; times where they just laugh non-stop at nothing in particular actually; times where they complained about the little boy who lookied for his mummy after bombing the toilet. i must admit, these.. can never found in my current class. 0937 is unique in its own way. but 0836 will definitely be the best memories of my jc life.(up till now but i doubt it'll change)
i'll update the photos when ryna updates them on fb =D

the coffee joke lasted for 15mins. the backstab joke lasted for another 15mins. it has been such a long time since i luaghed so hard. thankyou so much darlings.. you know i love you! <3

everything was fine. i was laughing so hard the whole day. but now, im not.

changes.d

i cant fit into my surroundings.

perfections within the imperfections

awesomeness was just a word before i knew you guys.

CHANGEd.es

what happens when changes occur and you cant adapt to you?
what happens when changes occur, you are able to adapt to it but and yet, cant accept it?
what happens when changes occur and you cant accept it despite knowing that nothing can be changed?
what happens when everything changes just when you least expects it to?
what happens when everything changes just when you are happy with what you have?
what happens when things change over and over again just when you got used to the one previously?

changes keep happening ard us all the time. what do we do to face these changes? or sometimes, we didnt even realise that the change has taken place. or.. are the changes far too insignificant that we can just completely neglect it.

am i this change?

insecurity

Real Love?

Saying," I Love You always and Forever"

Tears ...sadness, playful times and laughter ...

Will there be a happily ever after?

Times of uncertainties, empty feelings..

empty thoughts...empty hearts...

Can our love survive or will it drift apart?

Good times ,bad times ...we are going through it all..

.can we keep this relationship going strong ...

.or will crumble to pieces, and fall?

Do we want our love to continue to grow and grow?

...Do all we planed for the future

...and never let go ?Whatever tomorrow may bring

..If we stay together or go separate ways ..

Remember all our fun times and all our happy days .

One thing I know we can do no matter what ...

is to keep our love the good memories locked deep inside our hearts..

because keeping them there is a bond

between us that can never be torn apart ...

" lets keep our love alive "

CHARACTERISTICS OF A CACTUS

well. ive decided to be a cactus. but all thanks to gena. im going to be a thornless one. what are the thorns for in actual fact? they are there as leaves to give food and life to the plant. without the thorns, the plant can only stay there and wait for the day of its death. i know i will die without these thorns, but why am i still willing to do so? its because of 1 simple reason. i dont want my thorns to hurt others. i dont want to prick others with my existence. i dont want to cause pain to others simply because i existed.

why a cactus.
a cactus is soft in actual fact. and right because of such a inborn weakness, it has developed thorns to protect itself. i am in fact, one with a soft heart, who constantly puts up walls to protect myself. to the extent that i will hurt others while trying to protect myself. i dont want to do that anymore. ive learnt. its within me to think for others first. i can never be happy even if i put up walls. ive learnt that my life was meant to give and not to take. god has put me in such a position that i will gain more by giving instead of the other way round. i finally understood but im still working on how i can make my life the most meaningful by working around my purpose.

i feel hopeful. but yet missing a part.

dedication

i have no idea what the title of this post should be, but i think i should dedicate this to those who are reading this.. cos at least these people bother enough to at least read this blog.

my blog is nothing special just because of the simple reason that im ordinary. im just an ordinary girl whom exists on this earth for the very same reason as anyone else ard me. i might be luckier to be born in a family more well to do, in such a way that im more taken care of and that im more sheltered than others. for this, i would really want to thank my parents for giving me this wonderful, comfortable home that i know i can always rely on no matter what happens to me outside. no matter how stressed im feeling i know i can rant i can complain i can throw my temper without being judged for who am i for they alr know very well who i really am. too many wrong things that ive did against them. so many times they get so angry that they almost wanted to throw e out of the house. but here i am, still in this family. now understanding where they come from, how they love me. the point here im trying to say is that. we all need time. to realise. we all need patience. to understand. we all need to open up. to accept. we all need a heart. to feel what is real and what is not. it might not seem like that from the start. but oneday you will know you will start to realise.. things that you dont like to hear are the things in fact the most important happenings that shape you. this doesnt only happen to family. it is happening to all our surroundings.. its just the degree of importance of that person to you.. and how much you are willing to spend on that person or those people.

we live in this world as human beings and mankind that needs to interact and communicate. and dont you agree that by doing so, we are alr complicating our lives? but why are we still constantly doing so? are people ard us in particular, friends, just tools that we use, just people that we see in school everyday that we dont really bother at the very end of the day? no. we all know that. we are able to tolerate and accept people that are different because we treasure. because we care. because we are not selfish. like how my parents did, they kept me with them because i was special to them. i meant everything to them. and therefore they can accept me no matter how i screwed up their life and how i messed things up. just like friends. many times, we tend to only see us and only us in our eyes. thats what happened last year. or perhaps. my eyes really opened this year after retaining. i began to see things in a different light. is it true that we have to crasha and fall before we learn? then what are teachers for? the teach us before we fail. and even thou we still fail sometimes, we will eventually get it.

honestly. friendship problems.. ive had them too. and my wilfullness had caused me to lose my 3 dearest friends. kaijia, right? but im very thankful that they are stil willing to stay in contact with me and we are not very close, but at least still friends.. and i know that we are all constantly making the effort to make up for the times lost last time. and for that friend that i had misunderstood.. i felt so bad. at that point in time, i thought i was right about everything, i felt as thought the world was against me, everyone was ganging up against me, to bully me, to ostracise me and to keep me out of the click. and obviously, i would do anything to let them understand my point. and that includes the risk of giving them up. this is the case now for you isnt it? not just 1 but both of you. look at this.. im looking back. and i totally regret it. i chose to do what you chose. probably that is the so called sensible way to deal with things right now. 2 years down the road you will hate yourself for taking this decision. i hated myself like crap. i dont want that to happen. i regretted like shit. i dont want that to happen. i begged and wished all those hadnt happened.

i dont want that to happen to you guys as well.. you know who im dedicating this post to. im not saying who is right and who is wrong. all i want is for you guys to take a step back. stop flaming each other. it is never going to help that way. it is never going to work that way. ive been there. no matter what you've gone through i can swear upon my life that ive gone through more. stop saying no one knows how you feel because no one else will know that feeling better than i do. in any case, please, talk to me. i may not know how you're exactly feeling, but i know how it feels to be what situation you're in.

i really hope you get it. what i really want for you all to do now is probably to talk to each other. properly. show your real faces and stop all the facades. if you cant talk straight to each other's face, thins friendship has to be reconsidered. i trust you love each other. lay things out. set things right. only by doing this, the friendship will be able to last.

we complicate each other's life. but we are willing to let each other do so because we care enough. if you care enough to accept that friend, i know you will care enough to keep that friend. for the simple reason being. she's worth it.

...

when we were all young, nothing seem to matter to us as we have so much.. so much to give, so much to share, so much to allow ppl to take from us. because we take fir granted so many things, we tend to lose them easily and yet not feelings any thing about it. but as we frow older, we tend to want to keep things to ourselves. we are now feeling more deprived and in need of this thing called love. we dont want to share. but we'll all have to. and get used to it. the life that we have requires us to share as much as we do when we were young. but how many of us really can do it?

there were times that i felt like that as well.. im feeling lost and gone. but now hopes back. its taking me to a bright past. but the thing is. perhaps, we really have to fall, crash and die before we really realise what life is all about. no matter how much you think you have gone through, nothing is compared to many other people.

take advice. really. take advice. get out.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

from the left: kaijia! germaine! & corine!
its awesome to see you girls after so long.. thankyou girls for coming! its so hard to meet you all after so long. really so hard.. very touched that you all came.. made my day! thankyou so much! :)
-

juliana and gena! you guys really got me started with the fun! thanks for coming.. :):)
-
see i so nice right dedicate post to you all! hahah! cos obviously! you know i love you all. its important to know who really matters to you. some people come into your life and mess them up while some come into your life fitting in perfectly. if it doesnt fit perfectly, it doesnt mean that you are not meant to be friends. its just that you need more time to understand each other. and if the person really messes up your life too much that you cant take it anymore, you have to weigh. you have to weigh if the person is worth all there turmoil. if the person is worth it, go through together and solve the problem. thats really all we have. choices. if the person is not worth it, you knw what to do. sort it out and get on with life. sometimes, by dwelling on what went wrong, you will continue to live in your world and live in misery. ive lived that sort of life and i know that by behaving this way will get someone no where. really. instead of looking back into the past, look into the future and count our blessings. thats just life. you will never get enough of life. just make do with it. dont go ard making people feel worse about what has happened. dont make assumptions. not more. dont do this to the people ard you. stop it.

the fence hurts.

i had a wonderful bday! thou many of my friends could not come.. **winkswinks it was still awesome as i had the blessings of many people. im really happy. instead of dwelling in the fact that many didnt come, i shall be happy and thank all that came. thankyou! i'll be dedicating the next post to those who came.. with pictures of course! :)

i ate so so so so so much please. majong-ed the prev night till 5plus. went back school the next morning at 8plus for co. stayed till 2plus for farewell gifts and went for organ class. went back to chalet at ard 4plus. gena and juliana came. bbq. ate. more ppl came. ate more. kaijia, germaine, corine came. ate. majong-ed again. more ppl came. ate more. drank. ate. rained. ate. drank. drank. dranked. dranked. crashed. wow.

happy 18th birthday! :) awesome-ness!

POISONOUS.

Cancer, you are focusing more on interacting with others today, and getting out in the world is the only thing you are interested in. You are making contacts with new colleagues, and enjoying the moment wherever your day takes you. Whether you are single or attached, this will play out into the evening as well. You aren't going to settle for a quiet night in with anyone that offers something so boring. No, today you need to be around people, and whomever wants to be with you will just have to play by your rules today.

WELL. TRUE?

similarities

quoted from jasmine..
everytime things happen to me, i always find you in the same predicament.. im glad i have you girl.

--Thought quite alot yesterday, when i'm feeling vulnerable i tend to think alot, worry alot Came to this conclusion that although it may seem as though i know what i want, i actually don't. I'm just so very confused.Liking someone sucks, or should i say the possibility of liking someone sucks. Either way it does sucks, and it sucks because you don't know how to handle that. And it sucks cause you are confused and you don't know what you want. Yet you expect. You expect all your expectations to be fufiled when you know that it is impossible and you're not supposed to expect anything out of something.You care, and you love. Yet not in the way lovers love and care for each other, but just as friends. Yet you're afraid that the other party might see otherwise.So how do you go about caring and loving? Just like how i think hugs and kisses tend to be overrated, and that they do not hold much significance unless its the first or its the last one you give or recieve, in the eyes of others opinions might differ. In conclusion, one step forward two steps back.--

resposibility alongside

18! hahah. thats what alot of ppl wished me. thankyou guys for all our wishes and sms/fb greetings :) deanna is very thankful and touched!

im still wondering why my photos cannot be uploaded. im so affected by it. thankyou alina, sebastian, cheechiang, shiwee! although cake got all over my face, i had lots of fun. thankyou so so so so so much. i cant update the photos here cos this place is like screwed. but ive uploaded it on facebook alr! :):) thankyou mummy for the sumptous dinner at sakura. i ate like whole loads of sashimi. damn shiok. HAHAHAHAH!

okay. yupp. happy birthday to me.

VERIFICATION

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I BLOGGED. TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE EXAMS. maths utterly killed me. kay. im so depressed. i really studied okay! :( BUT THE J2s ARE STILL HAVING THEIR PAPER. JIAYOU JIAYOU KK!

WAS LEFT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE CAUDE I DIDNT HAVE THE KEYS. HAD SOME TIME ON MY OWN. AND THUS, I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING UNUSUAL I GUESS.

literature i like an opened book. we're allowed to read it. but its so chim, we can never understand it by reading it 1 time :( we never know what was coming out.. like how nightingale came out. it was so unpredictable!

maths is like a fish bone. its common and everywhere. but not everyone likes it. only cats do, i dont. and if you're not careful with it, you will get choked on it and die. just like me! i got choked on it and died. today! HAHAHAHHA!

econs is like a magic box. we seem to know everything inside. but we dont really know what is it about anyway. only by trying out with the things inside, in which this case is to sit for exams, only will we be able to determine if we really knew what was going on.

history is like a laptop? eveything is there for you to know. just that we can never really find out where the answers really are. we tend to utter alot. like how we do alot with the computer, but we never get to the point. HAHAH! true yeah!?

general paper. gp is like a mystery box. like the ones we buy in pet society. we never know what will be coming out. you will never be too prepares for the surprises that awaits you for this subject..

okay. i think im probably too bored. if there wasnt h1n1, i would at camp now with youknowwho celebbrating my bday. all my plans are screwed cos of that freaking disease/virus. go away lah please. hurry up!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

the past should stay dead

history paper killed my fingers. my fingers were damn pain after that okay. wrote like whole loads of it and they say i siao. but really got alot to write wad!
international history was okay. general questions were okay. i just hope i dont screw up my sea history big time. if nothing goes wrong. i can do not bad :)

tmr's econs! everytime i think i can do well i will flung. i hope it doesnt happen this way again. i really really got study luh.. sadded.
....ltc kena postponed indefinitely. which means.. there comes my bday. back to me. but there goes my bday hugg.. sadded again.

i need to study. havent really started. tuition just now. i teach :)

LIFE'S SHORT; PADDLE HARDD

i loveee bumblebeeeee to the core plss! he is so cute luhh! went to catch transformers last night although i was supposed to be studying =.=

went to brian cheng's dragonboat match today at marina thou i was supposed to be studying. went to eat and bought heels! YAY! happy :)

exams tmr.

life's short; paddle hard. but you have to paddle smart. nicholas ngern.. explain yourself..

i cant walk without you

supposed to get up early for macs breakfast today. but yeah. i only woke up at 12 plus. lol.
went all the way to campass point to eat macs after that.
went to amk hub for facial after that.
went to hougang mall to eat pepper lunch. sukiyaki beef. wow.

but im still missing something.

WHEEEZ

yay! i got tuition jobs alr. p4 and p3 chi. not bad not bad. hahah! but must maintain my own school work. if not cannot work and earn extra pocket money anymore. dangzxzxz! but! im sure i can do well :)

went shopping tadays in the morning.. err afternoon. den i bought new tailored pants! not me lahh. mummy bought for me first. maybe i'll pay her back later. maybe. HAHAH! yay. v nice okay. its from iora ^^

deanna is happy today!~

AT NIGHT.

WHY DOES IT ALL GET SO TOUGH AT NIGHT..
WHY DOES ALL THE EMOTIONS COME AT NIGHT..

SAND. WATER. SAND. TEARS.

went sentosa today. slept till 11 plus, went to dhoby to meet mummy they all. ate lunch and headed to vivo. was supposed to meet brian cheng there but he's race was delayed for 1 whole hour. so yeah. he met us at 4? so late luhh. somemore he got sliver only! :( cheer up. hahha. i like sentosa. we should all go there again. i like it when its at night. everything becomes so pretty and makes me forget my problems temporarily. after that went to eat a brian cheng's house. had steamboat. v nice also v full. okay now v tired. i shall go sleep.

sand gets into my eyes. and i cry.