i will wear these scars for everyone to see.

went to school today like usual. and i knew today was going to be a bad day. i cried so much last night, i have an econs test today and worse of all,, i'll be taking the test in the same lecture hall for as much as i hate it to be. turns out. the test was pretty fine just that i didnt really have the time to complete everything. i didnt have alot to say anyway. just hope that i can pass. but, just when the test was about to start, the teacher asked, "who have not gotten your question papers?" i merely spaced out. and i saw him, raising his hand. my heart crinched(if thats how i spell it).up till the point when the teacher said we could start, i was still dazing. my reactivity time has slowed down. probably due to the lack of sleep. im supposed to be doing work. but im here wasting 10 mins of my life blogging.

i just came home today. no. i came home and went out again. for tuition. as thou as i were the one having exams. hms im not. im giving tuition. just in case the super lag you still dont know. i did my lit analysis while she did her written assignment. i tend to pick up small little times to do little work but waste big times doing nothing, or rather crying over evaporated water.

i ask myself. each day after he was gone. i keep questioning myself. so many questions. so many answers. i dont want pity. thats my conclusion. if i were to come to a point where he comes back to me because of pity, its really pointless i guess. rather, could i be strong? so that he will fall in love with me again? probably he doesnt and he wont. but its still better than wallowing in self pity. i wore a jacket to school today. to cover up my scars. after the test, i realised. i didnt have to. the people ard me wont notice it even if i left it visible. im just this unimportant sometimes. or really, do the girl have to die before being able to get the attention she wants? oh no. i dont want attention. i just want to be happy. and i think im happy just like that. i do what i like. whats wrong with eating packet lunch at home? whats wrong with walking ard in school alone? whats wrong with studying alone in school. there is nothing wrong with being alone. why do people judge me for walking alone? why can i feel those eyes looking at me when i'm alone? why cant i be alone? ir maybe ther arent even looking at me. they arent even judging me. i mthe one who's constantly looking at myself, judging at myself. deep down, i know only i can define myself. no one else knows me well enough to define me. maybe mummy can. but no one else can. i like staying at home now. at least i get recognised for things i do. at least i can laugh whole heartedly at lame jokes my mother and sister makes. i can cry and i can do anything i want without being judged. even if im judged i know its because they love me and they will love me still unconditionally no matter how they judge me. this is family. if you arent feeling this from home, i think its time to reconsider your relation ship with family. okay. this coming from me isnt really convincing. relationships. i suck at it.

and yes. its you that made me feel this way. and thank you sebby. for your encouragement. you are the only one whom i really can talk to. and not fear being judged in school. im really afraid to be judged now i guess. thats makes you special. maybe no more lovers. but friends forever! (:

ive edited my list. my love list. i realise i actually love alot of people. for who they are and what they are to me. i dotn show it, doesnt mean i dont love you. some ppl might actually be surprised that you're in my list. those who are not, its probably im still trying to love you & probably im at the stage of liking you now (: because when i love someone. its uncondional love.

MUMMY,MEIMEI,brianTHEpig,dk,zh,c,j,rn,kj,rbk,ger,kid,gn,seb,zy,sw.

(:(:(: and i love myself.
ps. i crossed the road today with my eyes closed.