you dont mean what you say. do you?

truth reveals itself in the night. most of the time.

when the night falls, we start to ponder. for how long more will this night last? this night is cold. this night is painful. this night if full of tears and sorrow. when will it ever end?

i am a lucky child. am i? i think so. i dont know. who knows enough to tell me if im lucky or not? or.. being lucky cant be defined. it depends.. it depends on how you look at it. i have a wonderful mum who nags at me. she nags cause she cares and she's really awesome. but the only thing is, i dont know how to share my problems with her. i dont know how to share my problems with everybody. i cant share, especially when it comes to my emotions. i end up crying like shit. it makes me hate myself more when im not able to control my emotions and flare up at my family for no partiicular reason. and it really hurts me cos i know they are the only ones in thie entire world that will love me unconditionally, that will accept me for who i am. and im glad i have them. but shit. deanna. stop hurting your family. you suck. i know i do. im sorry :(

im starting to doubt the people ard me. and i know its wrong! but im still doing it because i cant help it. it appears to me that people can change so quickly that you can hardly catch up. and this is so scary. one day your lover, the other, your foe. its so superficial. or maybe its me that's superficial, but why cant ppl seethe fragility in life? why cant some ppl just start to realise how frail life is? why cant you just treasure me? the person standing right in front of you? the world's furthest distance to me right now is no longer life and death(cliche i know), but me, standing in front of you, and you, knowing that i love you yet not willing to acknowledge that fact. heartaches. hurts. it does. as i try not to hurt, i hurt more people.. why? by moving on, i hurt. but staying stagnant, im hurting inside. what can i do? tmr's econs test. quite impt test i guess. but what am i still doing here? i cant sleep. the moment i close my eyes, i see the scenes where we not like now. its just a couple of days and many things have changed. my attitude to people have changed, my attitude towards school work has changed, people's attitude towards me have changed. but one thing doesnt change. the broken heart is still there in its brokened pieces; still bleeding. and till oneday, the heart dies, the girl dies and all the people who loves her will start to notice her again. but till then, its all too late.

i dont want to be a dancing diva. i dont want to be the center of attraction. no more. maybe i used to want it. but no more. i dont want to strive to be the shinning star anymore. i just want to be normal. a normal girl who is able to love and to receive love; to be able to smile each day when she see her closest friends in school; to be able to do well in her studies(or at least passable). thats it! there's nth more than this in life as a student. i dont want to be president, i dont want to be dancing diva. if i could choose, i'll give up everything i have, just to have a plain and simple life, filled with happiness and joy. im nothing more than a machine that can cry right now.i depreciate and thats it. im alr depreciating. probably to come to the end of my life span soon? thats how pathetic life is for me. (in my opinion). but can anything really be changed? i dont think so.

picking myself up is not an option for me for im weak to begin with. learning to live with tearsis probably a better solution.

p.s. ive learnt to study/do econs essay crying alr.