he is gone. for good. bye.rest in peace.

ay. as you've seen on the title. yeah. so theres absolutely no need for me to elaborate anymore.

"I’m seriously sick of this. I’ve never met such a hard to handle person in my life before. Im tired of this. I think I should just give up and not bother about this anymore. I miss the PAE days when I didnt really have these kind of problems with people. Sigh. I just want to find people to enjoy my life with, is it really that hard to do. Maybe in NY, yes."

~~a tear rolled down.
bye peeps.

we all know it. its time to say goodbye

i wanna cry
but i cant. i have to be strong for all those ard me.
i have to be vry very strong.
i cant cry. i must stay strong. i know i can do it.
like that. just standing there. giving everyone hugs.
to tell them that everything id going to be okay.
but you know.. i feel like im lying to them.
we all know that nth is going to be okay.
jiujiu's condition is getting from bad to worse and theres really nth much we can do.
we can only pray.
pray. for a miracle to happen.

we're all holding on to the 1% of faith.
da yi ma even flew back fron taiwan to see jiujiu
i know how serious this is alr.
but i dunwan to face this fact.
no one wants to face this fact.
but we all have to. its the true colours of this cruel world.
and i hate this world.
it always takes away things which we hold dear to us.
or is it just fate that is playing a prank.
i dunno
and i dunno how to find out.
i wouldnt want to anw. but im really scared.
we're all scared. scared to go home. scared to not see him for the last time..
so scared of the unforseen..

i am strong to support those whom i love.
but who is there to support me? im collapsing soon too..
i wish you were here with me.
i know in your arms i can feel safe.
i know no matter wad happens you will be there to hold me..

jiujiu loved me dearly.
he doted on me alot since i was borned.
i know and it really heartached me to see him like that.
jiumu and mummy.
i wonder what can i do to bring jiujiu back his health.
im sure everyone would be willing to do so tgt with me..
BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?
we can only sit there and wait... and wait.....

quoted from kj's blog.
i wish i could go to a corner and paint myself black.
but i cant..

~~i'll be strong to hold all of you.
fall on me. i can and i WILL make it.

pray. nights.

0836. my love for you will never die

in the photo: jasmine, deanna, ryna. missing:clarissa
my legs look really long in this photo!
i love my girls!



what a beautiful scenery at punggol park! lol

i love the effects of jasmine's camera. or its just because of the lighting. YAY!

onc again. i look retarded.

i love jasmine! we are strong girls! we will make it thru! love you babe!

just compare me and ryna and jas. im like so black la. BLACKY! but still. love you girls loads!

i love 0836 !

it has been quite some time 0836 really did sth tgt.

we should seriously bond more often xD

although in some point in time.. there might be quarrels.. but that is the way. to put aside the differences and give in to one another. its not that i cant quarrel you know.. sometimes its better to lose out somehow after looking at the bigger picture.

0836. jiayou.

~~~ today. im happy.becos everything went right for me.

nights.

these are tears my dear not water. TEARS

My heart frowns
My heart sways
My heart cries
My heart plummets down, down.
My heart doesn't know the meaning of happiness.
My heart only knows the meaning of pure misery.
You may wonder what ails my heart
The only answer to that can never be reveled.
If anyone knew the pain that surrounds my heart
That person may just want to cry, for they would know that the pain is one that can never be healed.
The pain is so beyond comprehension
The pain is so strong that it will never yield.
My heart has become like a plane that has lost all of it's engines
The only fate for it to undergo, is to plummet and end in a huge crash
Everyone on the flight screams for fear, but their destiny is one that will just end in explosion, no matter the panic they put up.
Just like that flight, that's how my heart feels.
It screams to be saved, but no savior will save it.
Its only destiny is to crash and burn.

I am depressed for no reason at all
I am depressed for everything in the world
Everything and nothing but not something
Everything in my life conflicts with one another
Everything is in complete chaos
My mind spins in every which direction with no where to go at all
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is bothering me
There is no cause for the chaos
Everything is complete chaos, and yet nothing is the cause
My life is twisted like a pretzel
It is twisted into huge knots never to be untied
Everything is tangled and nothing twisted it
It consists of everything and nothing, but not something

are we all borned to be fools? to be tricked and played abt by life again and again?
".........oh fool! i shall go mad......"
the almighty. faling into a bottomless pit. to weep in sorrow and despair.

~~falls apart.

i wonder if you saw me crying...

went gym today.
"PAHH WHO DO I THINK I AM.."
yes. who do you think you are.

waited and waited for someone whom never knew i was waiting..
got nth out of it..
you are a person who do not keep your promise.
you broke the only promise i wanted from you.. you BROKE it all.
i guess this is the end.

"i shall love myself more and more.
i shall live my life for myself.
i shall never fall into this pit again.
i shall forget that love was sth that existed.
i shall not rmb what has happened between us.
you shall be who you are while i be me."

i will never think of you again. even if i do. i will never ever let you know. cos by letting you know. im letting you hurt me more.
you unintentional hurt killed me..
as well as the love i used to believe in..

"which make me think man a worm.."

okayy. im just ranting bout that bloody scar that you created inside me..
now for the truth..
although we're going to fine and all. i know deep inside me.. there is a scar that no amt of love can cure..
you've hurt me and im not recovering anytime soon..

you still owe me your promise. and you know it well. it means alot to me.

~~let it all die down..
only den we can have out life back..

i wanto barge into your life.. like the way you did to mine.

YAY! today was a very long day. and im really too lazy to write. let pictures from jasmine's blog do the talking ba! x)

happy yet broken. i have no idea what to feel now.. CYJ

i know im gonna cry tmr... for you.... AGAIN

gym. i wanna stay there forever. i wanto dance with you till the end of time..

tennis; studies; tennis; studies

im really like stuck in the middle of everything. i've like all the things going ard me. there are so many things to be done. but there is only one deanna..

• there will be tennis friendly match with MI and im suppose to play doubles as main team tgt with yh. OMG. my standard and her standard are like ways apart la! but its still tentative. i'll really have to train very very hard to catch up. well nth is impossible if you try hard enough xD
• the opening of "contact point" tmr is my business again. i could have like gone for some pretty decent luch with my beloved waffle gang. but omg. i've to dance the elevator dance that i screwed up during LTC and its during common lunch break. im just so going to screw it up again.
• jiujiu's condition is really getting on an improvement although the stupid doctors claim otherwise. but i really hope he recovers soon upon the appearance of a miracle. im so consistently on the haunt that he might just leave us suddenly. and leaving mummy and jiumu crying while me and korkor are in school. seriously. im so scared.

well, i know that many things are not in our control. there will be miracle when we believe.

bye~~

continue praying..

close your eyes and feel the love..

i was reading ex blog when before blogging this post.
i realise that we had so many similarities in terms of personality. we did the same test and our results were so similar! well. i suddenly got this feeling that we broke up becos we were too similar in so many ways. perhaps if we were to be a little more different.. we would have lasted till the end of time..
i cried like crazy today. i skipped tennis training today. al for one reason. i went to the hospital. it appeared to me that things are not going to change very much for jiujiu. i really really wanna pray that a miricle would happen.
please pray with me..
well. but before going to the hospital.. spent some quality time him and i'm really happy. esp when we're at the bus stop. i love you.

i dun miss ex anymore. i just feel like seeing him again.

bye.
please continue praying with me.

sealed upon a rose..

i think my hair looks likes shit la. but anw it has really been a very long time since i camwhored with waffle gang alr. but apparently they are dodging like crazy. hhahah!

and we got really really high after econs lecture. J was sitting right in front of us la! and jas went totally crazy. den suddenly some bugger msged me "yunjun" 13 times! in 13 msges! wtf! im like so totally pissed can. thou i was like damn high at first but it was rather freaky and scary la. OMG! im soooo tempted to post the no. so that anyone who knows who is it can tell me. wahlao. im seriously pissed. better dun let me find out who the person is lor. i'll just kill that bugger. haha!

after that had training. and stupidly that coach cant teach! he was like making us do all the shit and not telling us how to improve la. please. im damn tired now but havent really learnt much from todays training. equally pissed.

jiujiu is currently in the hospital and i really wanna pray for him. korkor is sick too. i wonder wad is happening to this world. why all the nice ppl have to face this knida stuff. i really really hope that all is well for them. friends.. please pray tgt. for my uncle who is in the hospital now struggling to live. please... kindness begets kindness..

mummy and daddy have gone to see jiujiu and im left to manage the home. i willl work for family cos i know they need me to be strong. i can no longer sit in my room all the time like a princess. they've let me have my way when times are right. now i must stand up like a 17 yr old to take care of my sister. now i've finally know what im on earth for xD

OH! and yj! you still owe me your notes! rmb to bring la please. haha

i will continue to pray..

i wanto close my eyes and recall the times where we used to have. movies are so sweet even its just some random show like batman.. haha. honey.. i know im asking for the impossible. but ya... i dunno wad im saying la. stupid me.

bye peeps. i love you... and i wanto hug you till the end of time

and im missing you like crazy now..

darling you ought to be gone...

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

ex honey told me to do this.. quite accurate anw..
thanks.
nights all~~

pictures.. LTC 2008

i wun rmb these days becos the facils tell me to. but i will cos it has printed many fond memories in my heart that nth will be able to wash it away.. love you CHANG!


when we work tgt..

nth is impossible!..

yj: why you look so retarded?!?!?

BENNY! CONTROL URSELF! DUN LEAVE RJ BEHIND!

me, wz, pinkx, rj, april.

5 dancing queens okayy. dun pray pray.haha.

sexy wz!

BENNY! you got *ahem alr. dun snatch XY from M* ! haha

working tgt! but am i?????

CHANG!

OMG! YES YOU ARE SEEING QB & BENNY TGT! LOL

singing queen! YX! GO GO GO!

these photos really reminded of many fond memories. so many that i'm in no mood to tidy the sequence of the photos alr. haha.

i really enjoyed LTC! and you know this chang! I LOVE YOU! xD

high-ness, deanna

muacks~

my love will get you home.

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.
If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.
If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home,
Boy, my love will get you home.

you might find that alot of things are not in your way. but i really want you to know that no matter wad happens.. i'll be here for you. when you're feeling lost.. i'll be here to guide you.. when you are feeling lonely.. i'll be here to stay by you.. when you feel that you are abandoned and without love.. i'll be here to show you that i care. notice why i use the word 'here' and not 'there'.. its becos you are here now (ny) and not there(vj). our lives are all planned. in such ways that we like it or not. but it has all been planned. accept what we have . all you can do is treasure what you have here.. and im always here. giving you all the love that you need. right now. in my broken english.. i have no idea if you understand wad im trying to say.. but you have to know. you are not alone. get back on your feet,, my love will get you home...

loves, now and forever

bestfriends till the end of time..

those days..

NATIONAL DAY PARADE

feeling quite high these days cos i feel much closer to the waffle gang now. and im really really very very happy about it. hmmm. but tennis open is really tiring me out like mad and i totally have no energy to do my tutorials! we changed a econ tutor! mr nandwani! >.<>

okay. im going to do my tutorials now.

nights babies

muacks~~~

how many problems can you handle on your own before you break down?
how many times can you pick yourself up after breaking down,
before you lose the energy or the will to get up again?

THAT BARRIER CALLED FRIENDS..

well today wad quite an interesting day. but obviously tiring lah!

well had pe this morning and apparently becos i fely like puking all the way. I SKIPPED IT! haha
lessons were boring as usual.

bt after that we had CHANG! meeting! well although at first it seeemed pathetic with only me xinyi sam and yingxue.. and with every other CHANGSTER! busy or scattered around. but ho ho ho! we still managed to have a nice lunch tgt with much if waiting for everybody else. den everyone had to go for lessons and im left with*you know who.

we went lib and as usual went to read papers! like LOL. OMFG.
but oh well idid read abit and inceased my knowledge by abit. haha. den went to "study" and i think i froze in the lib for 1.5 hrs la can and helped him copy his math notes which he didn't seem to understand even if he did it on his own anyway. yun jun is a retard! haha

okayy. now i shall name stuff that this retard did to me.

• pinched my cheeks!
• pulled my ponytail.
• played with my hair (i think only. nt sure)
• checked out my necklace
• threw my tennis shirt ard. thks ah! >.<
• complained and whine bout being scared of maths (be a man ok! start working!)
• took my pe shirt cos he accidentally brought the wrong shirt for his training (retardedly brought the banned one)

after that went training. tiring okayy tennis. haha. and there;s still tennis opens tmr! omg. i think im drowning. haha. HELP! HELP! HELP! YJ SAVE ME! someone will HAVE to save me...

homes! xD

I DUN UNDERSTAND.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE HER.

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME AND IM SO SO PISSED.

FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE.

EVERYTIME IM FEELING BAD.
YOU MAKE IT WORSE.

I DO NOT HAVE LEMONS.. NO LEMONADE.

well i think these days are horrible.
its either my life screwing me up or me screwing up my own life..
i have no idea wad is going on around me.
the adults are talking so much to me. telling so much that i can hardly breath. all i can do is to take it away with a smile. but i ask myself again.. for how long can o do that. its not making any sense..

so much homework lagging behind and i really have no idea wad is keeping me off pace.
i started this year right but i find myself falling now.
I CANT!

im going to chiong all i have to do now. maybe for the next 72 hours. till i collaspe.
like i always say.. there will always be a tear behind every smile i put up.

there will be tennis open ladies. and i know its gonna be a long long day. im going trudge on.. GO..

sometimes i really wanna ask aloud.. if anyone can tell me that they understand how i feel. when everyday you go home to face ppl whom you know keeps scolding you. (at least these days) and to appear dumb and stupid.. i really have no idea.. i really cant.

can i dun smile.. NO. to me, smiling is my duty. a duty which i have to fufilleach day without fail.. i have no rights to get angry, i have no rights to get upset, no rights to get jealous.. becos its just me and my life. even to YJ, listening to him rumble, calling me wadever its just my duty. even thou im willing to some extend.. it just hurts when you hear one talk good bout others all the time.. and me? right in front of you? is always neglected..

sometimes i really wanna feel how is it like to be a happier person whom calls on for anything he/she wants. i dun mind giving up everything that i have now to exchange for that. i really hate my life to some extend. i really do! sometimes i'll just stand in front of the mirror and ask myself. WHO AM I? i never managed to answer that question.

yes. this is a very emo post. but most likely also the very last post i'll blog alr.

i think i still do have the rights to rant right. i guess.

the happiest thing today was..
going home with YJ i guess..

~ciaos

IF THINGS DUN GO YOUR WAY, SAY BYE AND LET GO..

wells. sorry that i;ve not been updating alot these days.
somehow i was very much caught up with some stuff which i thought was stupid and random.
i just wanted to put in somemore.. but he keeps retreating..
i really dunno wad he thinks..
sometimes he hugs me and dotes on me.. sometimes he's colder than ice..
i want a reply from you boy..
this is not going anywhere i swear
and i know im like a friggin supid person whose willing to give you all that i can..
so dun push me away.
life to me.. my life.. is nth but a sad story.
no matter how it seems o be fine on the outside.. i know i will never attain peace on the inside.
now. tell me. who can understand how i feel.

i dun think ranting is gonna work out in anyway. but stupidly im still doing it here. spamming all you screens.
i dun usually get this pissed off by somene whom i like..
but you are really too much.
too much for me to take anymore. dun blame me if im gonna give up on you.
i know you feel the same way towards me and wun want to break it all.
please dun...

~ciaos. love you. i wanna hug you till the end of time..

LTC 2008 CHANG!

well i just came back from LTC and i really had lots of fun and learnt alot during the camp.. i really really enjoyed the camp alot. well.. i wanted to post a super long post with all the details de. but im really like too simply lazy and ya..

later den update ba..

byes.

"maybe its time for me to move on ler =DDD
im happy for ui have finished my job.
this is all i can give u.
now go out there and be loved.
see you.
23 will still be a special number.
23/04/2007"

you said these to me.. and i'll remember everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF

im a gril. a very ordinary girl. who needs love, care and attention..

but oh well.. on this very special day, there's only myself to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! yes. this day didn't seem to matter anymore; to my friends, to my family, to myself. i just wanna go back in time. i do not want to turn 17. this year is so full of bad memories. and its just..... wadever.

tmr there's LTC which im very excited about. but tmr is just not the day. i could have waited another day to go. i really could! but well.. i shall be optimistic! xD at least yun jun is kinda counting the mins down with me. its 5 mins down. and im really glad yj is going to camp with me in the same group.. at least i feel more secure. YJ! dun go WTF when you read this ok. im just saying that you are a nice guy who makes me feel secured and protected..

well HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF! sweet 17!

off for camp! will be back to update soon!

if life gave you nothing.. make something

today was ryna's birthday, and due to the random meeting that we had to have for LTC; i didn't really turn up >.<

TOUCHED. we took clique photo after that! I LOVE YOU GIRLS!

meeting~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RAVENCLAW ROCKS! CHANG ROCKS! deanna rocks too! go go go !!!

after that went to makan with yun jun. and apparently i've came to a conclusion that he is super uber CUTE!.. pei him buy his cheapo sun glasses and went back to school. take bag go home -.-

OKAY. as promised. photos!

see ya babes!

if life gives you lemon, make lemonade.

i am really thinking these few days. who do i really want? what do i really want? who am i? what am i here on earth for? maybe to so one and many people i seem like i dun care. i look like i only think for myself. but.. i dunno how to explain myself and i dun wish to explain. whenever i try i only make things worse. so i think i shall just keep thinking and thinking.. maybe...

one and so many things to do at the same time.. one and so many people to face..
well i think i should just stop ranting. who would really care anyway.

ytd was not feeling very very good. so ended up playing pool with kj and sharon. and sharon CAN play alright. in the end i won i think. HAHA. and sharon ended up watching SAW III and freaked herself out. LOL.
den we headed back to school to pei cherlyn and the others play tennis. after that, we had training and that new coach; COACH said he was called darren(sharon mi tang's name) but in the end, he's called daryl. OmG. and it rained and rained and rained. so we stopped training earlier -.-

today played tennis, did PW, and alot of stuff. took a cab home, bought a pink and a red whistle and i guess used alot of msges as well.HAHA. i think i'll update photos the next time round. im super tired now can -.- zzz

tennis i more than just hitting a ball with a racquet; its true friends

bye peeps