i passed my basic theory test

yeah. i passed my basic theory test. and now, i cant sleep. whats next?
so many things happened these few days that i could hardly rmb things that happened. i was knitting. just now. then. this thought came into my head. who am i knitting for this time? eunice knows who she's knitting for, and i used to know who i was knitting for. gena knows who she wanted to knit for, and i used to know who i wanted to knit for. but now, i knit. without anyone in mind to give it to.

there's so much love within me. that there's no space for anything else. and yet there's no other outlet to let the feelings run. there's no one to be one the receiving end. and this questions the need of love. the purpose of love. and why? who doesnt wish to have someone to hold? but who can love you without being told? well.

you aint going to hurt me anymore...

...because there's nothing left already.

maybe ive been really bwrong about things. about the people ard me. im confused. and i completely agree with eunice. its surprising why am i even feeling the same way as her. i dont know what to say anymore. click on her link. (sorry kiddo hope you dont mind)

and i will work. work very hard. till i collaspe. that is. if anyone would notice.

i will wear these scars for everyone to see.

went to school today like usual. and i knew today was going to be a bad day. i cried so much last night, i have an econs test today and worse of all,, i'll be taking the test in the same lecture hall for as much as i hate it to be. turns out. the test was pretty fine just that i didnt really have the time to complete everything. i didnt have alot to say anyway. just hope that i can pass. but, just when the test was about to start, the teacher asked, "who have not gotten your question papers?" i merely spaced out. and i saw him, raising his hand. my heart crinched(if thats how i spell it).up till the point when the teacher said we could start, i was still dazing. my reactivity time has slowed down. probably due to the lack of sleep. im supposed to be doing work. but im here wasting 10 mins of my life blogging.

i just came home today. no. i came home and went out again. for tuition. as thou as i were the one having exams. hms im not. im giving tuition. just in case the super lag you still dont know. i did my lit analysis while she did her written assignment. i tend to pick up small little times to do little work but waste big times doing nothing, or rather crying over evaporated water.

i ask myself. each day after he was gone. i keep questioning myself. so many questions. so many answers. i dont want pity. thats my conclusion. if i were to come to a point where he comes back to me because of pity, its really pointless i guess. rather, could i be strong? so that he will fall in love with me again? probably he doesnt and he wont. but its still better than wallowing in self pity. i wore a jacket to school today. to cover up my scars. after the test, i realised. i didnt have to. the people ard me wont notice it even if i left it visible. im just this unimportant sometimes. or really, do the girl have to die before being able to get the attention she wants? oh no. i dont want attention. i just want to be happy. and i think im happy just like that. i do what i like. whats wrong with eating packet lunch at home? whats wrong with walking ard in school alone? whats wrong with studying alone in school. there is nothing wrong with being alone. why do people judge me for walking alone? why can i feel those eyes looking at me when i'm alone? why cant i be alone? ir maybe ther arent even looking at me. they arent even judging me. i mthe one who's constantly looking at myself, judging at myself. deep down, i know only i can define myself. no one else knows me well enough to define me. maybe mummy can. but no one else can. i like staying at home now. at least i get recognised for things i do. at least i can laugh whole heartedly at lame jokes my mother and sister makes. i can cry and i can do anything i want without being judged. even if im judged i know its because they love me and they will love me still unconditionally no matter how they judge me. this is family. if you arent feeling this from home, i think its time to reconsider your relation ship with family. okay. this coming from me isnt really convincing. relationships. i suck at it.

and yes. its you that made me feel this way. and thank you sebby. for your encouragement. you are the only one whom i really can talk to. and not fear being judged in school. im really afraid to be judged now i guess. thats makes you special. maybe no more lovers. but friends forever! (:

ive edited my list. my love list. i realise i actually love alot of people. for who they are and what they are to me. i dotn show it, doesnt mean i dont love you. some ppl might actually be surprised that you're in my list. those who are not, its probably im still trying to love you & probably im at the stage of liking you now (: because when i love someone. its uncondional love.

MUMMY,MEIMEI,brianTHEpig,dk,zh,c,j,rn,kj,rbk,ger,kid,gn,seb,zy,sw.

(:(:(: and i love myself.
ps. i crossed the road today with my eyes closed.

you dont mean what you say. do you?

truth reveals itself in the night. most of the time.

when the night falls, we start to ponder. for how long more will this night last? this night is cold. this night is painful. this night if full of tears and sorrow. when will it ever end?

i am a lucky child. am i? i think so. i dont know. who knows enough to tell me if im lucky or not? or.. being lucky cant be defined. it depends.. it depends on how you look at it. i have a wonderful mum who nags at me. she nags cause she cares and she's really awesome. but the only thing is, i dont know how to share my problems with her. i dont know how to share my problems with everybody. i cant share, especially when it comes to my emotions. i end up crying like shit. it makes me hate myself more when im not able to control my emotions and flare up at my family for no partiicular reason. and it really hurts me cos i know they are the only ones in thie entire world that will love me unconditionally, that will accept me for who i am. and im glad i have them. but shit. deanna. stop hurting your family. you suck. i know i do. im sorry :(

im starting to doubt the people ard me. and i know its wrong! but im still doing it because i cant help it. it appears to me that people can change so quickly that you can hardly catch up. and this is so scary. one day your lover, the other, your foe. its so superficial. or maybe its me that's superficial, but why cant ppl seethe fragility in life? why cant some ppl just start to realise how frail life is? why cant you just treasure me? the person standing right in front of you? the world's furthest distance to me right now is no longer life and death(cliche i know), but me, standing in front of you, and you, knowing that i love you yet not willing to acknowledge that fact. heartaches. hurts. it does. as i try not to hurt, i hurt more people.. why? by moving on, i hurt. but staying stagnant, im hurting inside. what can i do? tmr's econs test. quite impt test i guess. but what am i still doing here? i cant sleep. the moment i close my eyes, i see the scenes where we not like now. its just a couple of days and many things have changed. my attitude to people have changed, my attitude towards school work has changed, people's attitude towards me have changed. but one thing doesnt change. the broken heart is still there in its brokened pieces; still bleeding. and till oneday, the heart dies, the girl dies and all the people who loves her will start to notice her again. but till then, its all too late.

i dont want to be a dancing diva. i dont want to be the center of attraction. no more. maybe i used to want it. but no more. i dont want to strive to be the shinning star anymore. i just want to be normal. a normal girl who is able to love and to receive love; to be able to smile each day when she see her closest friends in school; to be able to do well in her studies(or at least passable). thats it! there's nth more than this in life as a student. i dont want to be president, i dont want to be dancing diva. if i could choose, i'll give up everything i have, just to have a plain and simple life, filled with happiness and joy. im nothing more than a machine that can cry right now.i depreciate and thats it. im alr depreciating. probably to come to the end of my life span soon? thats how pathetic life is for me. (in my opinion). but can anything really be changed? i dont think so.

picking myself up is not an option for me for im weak to begin with. learning to live with tearsis probably a better solution.

p.s. ive learnt to study/do econs essay crying alr.

you're hot and you're cold

i think its time i not hide my feelings anymore. i had enough trying to cover up my feelings and i had enough dealing with all the problems on my own. i had enough blogging in my private blog and talking to walls and crying into mirrors telling myself to stay strong. its time i make my feelings felt. the reflection that i see is a stupid girl, who does not know what she is doing anymore. i didnt use to be like that. but now, why?

gena asked me 2 impt questions today. that made me tear instantly. but i hid my tears. i didnt want to let anyone cone into my alr frail heart to hurt me anymore. i dont want to reveal my weakness. i choose to put up a stong front. but now, just for this moment, let me take down this strong front and just let me cry? gena asked,"if a sniper were to walk into college and start shooting randomly, who will you wish for to be safe and be with you at the moment?" even before finishing her question, i had an answer alr. and when i asked my answer this similar question, his answer was,"i'll run home to protect myself." it says so much, doesnt it? who am i even your heart right now? i dont belive that feelings change so easily and i dont believe that you completely have let me go. why did you even walk me to the gate? why did you say bye, and still wait for me on the other side of the door? i dont want a literature analysis of you. but i just want to know your heart. i dont want keep my feelings for you hidden anymore. and i dont care the consequences anymore. i had enough of this kind of lifestyle. you can continue pushing me away. but ultimately, you will come to realise that i will always be here for you. here comes gena's second question. "how do you know when is the right time to let go (& leave it to fate) or to fight on for the things you want in life." i teared instantly again. i hid it again. i was scared. for god knows what reasons, i was scared. very scared. in my head, thousand and one things crashed down tgt. i had no idea how to breath. even up till now. i still have no idea how to breath without you.

we tend to lose things when we dont show our affection. but thats not the reason why i lost you. but one thing doesnt change; that is, our motto rmb? what was in it? what we promised each other? our policies? do you have any idea how much you're affecting me? do you have any idea what difference you make to my life each day? do you have any idea why im forsaking so many other things in my life just for you? do you know why am i doind everything (including this post) for? its for you. its for the love that i believe once existed and is still existing. i believe in it. i never lied about my feelings for you. and i trust you didnt. thats why im still here. at where you left me. now that you're gone, what can i say? i go to school each day because i know i can get to see you. i cant wait for school to end because we can study tgt after that. i dread the day to end because i have to wait another day before being able to see you again. i study hard partly because we promised each other that we'll roll into honour rolls tgt.. now that you're gone, what else can i say?

you would know im talking about you if you are the person. because we share so many things in this short time. its says alot as well. the tune of bolero is still in my head. just because you told me its your favourite song. and im learning to play it. you promised to play the piano for me and i thought i could return the ffavour by playing your fav song for you. but i guess.. its all too late. is it?

but still, it feels so much better letting my feelings being heard(hurt). yes? no? continue hating me. but i will continue loving you. and i will continue learning the song. just in case oneday, you will want to hear me play it for you..

OUR KID AS CUTE AS THIS

this was taken during national day celebration on school. and this photo, really meant alot to me. it says so much about the changes that were going on.. and i really like this idea of change. im happy about it. im serious :)

there are so many things in my head recently again. i thought those days were gone, but they're back now. and i completely have no idea why. but im sure that this is a so much more easier decision to make. that is to; give in. convince yourself deanna. cos you are problem. sorry for dissapointing you today :( i dont want to hide it anymore, but im afraid that i'll hurt ppl by revealing the truth. im blabbering, talking nonsense.

ignore me.

im bad.

go away.

bye.

looking ahead.

time check. 12.23am

these days ive not been sleeping really well. i take a long time to fall to sleep. and probably thats because there are too many things that are in my head. too many decisions to make and to many determinations to take. so many things that i have to refrain myself from, so many things that i have to tell myself no.

lets look at what work ive not done so that i can keep my focus. econs tutorial, complete the case studies: singapore, india, germany. and please read up on the text book about government policies. maths: OMG integration and integration and integration. history is fine. read up on the notes. and probably prepare for consultation. literature: carol ann duffy poem essay, richard close reading. and yupp. nothing much alr. but hey. look at the amt of time that i have. its not enough and probably ive wasted another half an hour of my life typing this while thing here out. but who cares enough to realise that except me anyway!

guess where that pic was taken and sms the answer to me and you'll be entitled a gift. HAHAH! damn bored. i need my life please. everything is so screwed and i think i need to take a clear stand soon. i need to make a decision like tonight. WOW.

now lets talk about my goals for promos. i know this seems @.@ but yeah. i want to roll myself into honour rolls! i dont think its impossible. i've never wanted something so badly in my life before. i dont want to be seen as a stupid retainee that is always fooling ard and not studying anymore. i want to prove to everyone that by staying one more year, might probably be the correct way out if we cant cope. you get what i mean?

History @H2: A-- 20 RP

Literature @H2: A-- 20 RP

Economics @H2: B-- 17.5 RP

Maths @H1: C-- 7.5 RP

General Paper @H1: B -- 8.75 RP

TOTAL: 73.75 ranking points.

(should be able to alr right?)

well. this is the target. and probably i'll fall way below it. but at least i have a target. :):) and i know what im working for. probably im working for the end of all this pain and misery! :)

<3

when things arent the same anymore

you dont have to be a leader in name to be a leader in action.

ive learnt.

think things

blogger is back to normal. i can finally post photos! YAY! haha.

well. emo momo here.
things are going faster than it should and i have no confidence to pull it thru promos. there are still 2 more months to go and at this rate. i am going to >.< but there again, we promised to roll into honour rolls tgt. haha. well. tonight, you could say, is the accelerated night. many things happened. in, and out of our control. thou they are minor things, i could feel that it is changing. but i dont want anything to change! i like the way it is now. the ambiguous way that everyone starts guessing and even myself! i tend to guess alot about the things gone right/wrong, things that i should have or should not have done. and it seems to me that i cant judge anymore. piority is definitely studies but can i study without that pressence? i probably cant.
when things dont change, i want it to change. sometimes even without knowing what i wanted it to be. and when things change, expectedly or unexpectedly, im afraid of that change. i dont know if i really wanted that change to even happen at all in the first place! i find it so ironic that im feeling this way. it shouldnt be right?
i like to feel protected and loved (who doesnt) but there again. i cant lose this battle. i have to win, and win it victoriously. i know that battle against the big P is all i want to do right now. but things are getting in my way. no. i should say. things are aiding my way to winning this battle but i just dont know how to handle it well enough yet.

i still need to grow. well yeah. grow. like a cactus.

there is a reason

i believe there is a reason behind all the things we do. consciously or sub-consciously. but i guess. i dont know what i want now. im at a confused stage. and like how i would tell all the other people..

dont do anything when you're confused. you get the other hurt..

alrights.
:)