you're hot and you're cold

i think its time i not hide my feelings anymore. i had enough trying to cover up my feelings and i had enough dealing with all the problems on my own. i had enough blogging in my private blog and talking to walls and crying into mirrors telling myself to stay strong. its time i make my feelings felt. the reflection that i see is a stupid girl, who does not know what she is doing anymore. i didnt use to be like that. but now, why?

gena asked me 2 impt questions today. that made me tear instantly. but i hid my tears. i didnt want to let anyone cone into my alr frail heart to hurt me anymore. i dont want to reveal my weakness. i choose to put up a stong front. but now, just for this moment, let me take down this strong front and just let me cry? gena asked,"if a sniper were to walk into college and start shooting randomly, who will you wish for to be safe and be with you at the moment?" even before finishing her question, i had an answer alr. and when i asked my answer this similar question, his answer was,"i'll run home to protect myself." it says so much, doesnt it? who am i even your heart right now? i dont belive that feelings change so easily and i dont believe that you completely have let me go. why did you even walk me to the gate? why did you say bye, and still wait for me on the other side of the door? i dont want a literature analysis of you. but i just want to know your heart. i dont want keep my feelings for you hidden anymore. and i dont care the consequences anymore. i had enough of this kind of lifestyle. you can continue pushing me away. but ultimately, you will come to realise that i will always be here for you. here comes gena's second question. "how do you know when is the right time to let go (& leave it to fate) or to fight on for the things you want in life." i teared instantly again. i hid it again. i was scared. for god knows what reasons, i was scared. very scared. in my head, thousand and one things crashed down tgt. i had no idea how to breath. even up till now. i still have no idea how to breath without you.

we tend to lose things when we dont show our affection. but thats not the reason why i lost you. but one thing doesnt change; that is, our motto rmb? what was in it? what we promised each other? our policies? do you have any idea how much you're affecting me? do you have any idea what difference you make to my life each day? do you have any idea why im forsaking so many other things in my life just for you? do you know why am i doind everything (including this post) for? its for you. its for the love that i believe once existed and is still existing. i believe in it. i never lied about my feelings for you. and i trust you didnt. thats why im still here. at where you left me. now that you're gone, what can i say? i go to school each day because i know i can get to see you. i cant wait for school to end because we can study tgt after that. i dread the day to end because i have to wait another day before being able to see you again. i study hard partly because we promised each other that we'll roll into honour rolls tgt.. now that you're gone, what else can i say?

you would know im talking about you if you are the person. because we share so many things in this short time. its says alot as well. the tune of bolero is still in my head. just because you told me its your favourite song. and im learning to play it. you promised to play the piano for me and i thought i could return the ffavour by playing your fav song for you. but i guess.. its all too late. is it?

but still, it feels so much better letting my feelings being heard(hurt). yes? no? continue hating me. but i will continue loving you. and i will continue learning the song. just in case oneday, you will want to hear me play it for you..