i'm tired of telling you wad to do wad not to do.
-you do what you want to do and i wont care anymore. i think i have done enough. if you dont wanto help yourself den i wont know how to help you either. im endlessly trying to help you but i just get rejected all the time.
love is not about telling how much you love someone without the real actions. love is not about spamming i love yous to the person but instead show it in your actions. actions of love are not hugs and kisses. they are little things that show that you care for the person, you respect the person, you tries to make her few better by doing all the things that you know she wants to see in you; it maybe seeing you smile, seeing you being happy and enthusiatic about life, school and everything. it is not just about wad you say. wad you say might be impt but what you do is definitely gonna matter much more. love is not everything. it is purely a journey that leads us to more happiness. i wonder.
i'm tired of being the mother here.
-project is killing me. when you have wierd ppl going ard. im not trying to say that they are not nice ppl but the thing is. hey ppl, we need time and place to do the correct thing and have the correct attitude. like wad G said. its not being angry, we had pretty fun times too. but for today, its purely disappointing. its all gonna be over really soon. thursday final rehearsal with PK and den its the real thing on next thurs.
im tired of all the politics that are going on around me.
-classroom supposedly be the place where we make friends and learn tgt? why has it evolved into such a place where we go against each other. a place where unhappiness among each other soar. why is the devil taking control. where have all the angels gone to? i need a angel in my life.
im tired of listening to people hating each other, of me myself hating someone else.
discontentment leads to unhappiness and when others get more happiness from the source of discontentment, hatred grows. where have the love gone to? deanna. you were such a friendly person. what has the devil turned you into. my gosh.
i'm tired of giving all the time. maybe not all the time. but yeah. im empty now. everything's out and im not receiving enough to keep me going.
i dont wanna stand alone anymore. am i? the question of my existence keeps repeating. i am loved but i am dispensable. i guess that is how i am. and i cant even seem to blank out completely, even if i seriously want to. there are so many things that are going in my head even when i sleep.
how silly.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
BACK TO SQUARE ONE
yeep. this is me in co uniform. zhiwen took it from the other bus. so cool right! HAHAH!
these are some of the pics of our prac the day before syf. the last day that we bonded tgt with the same faith and determination of wad we want. thou the teachers always say that the result doesnt really matter. its that we have alr put on all our effort and made it thru tgt to the last day. we didnt give up. we went on stage and gave in our best. its the best that we could do. we really shone and we told the world wad we really are. the rumours out there arent wrong. we are really GOLD WITH HONOURS! :) saw from the CO blog that next wed we'll be having our celebration and the whole co will be going up to the stage to announce our pride and joy! YAYNESS! :) hahah.
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today had interview. didnt know wad to do. so i just said my piece and how i felt about co truthfully. :) there's service tonight. i hope to find a place for myself there where i know im not judged and i can really find peace to reflect and have faith in. but im still very tired. physically and emotionally. it isnt that easy to get over some things so easily. i still feel this emptiness within me. it has always been there even things seem to be the same. even if everythings back to normal, i know it isnt. and its really bothering me. i wanna be a nun and live life in tranquility. i wonder for how long more i can keep my cool like right now before i blow up again.
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tired. cried. tried.
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family. schoolwork. chinese orchestra.
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i cant seem to find a proper picture of myself smiling naturally and happily. at least not one that im happy with myself. its bothering me quite a bit. and im wondering why.
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theres so much work to do cos we've been missing lessons due to co pracs and rehearsals. now i eed to catch up with my work. its really piling up. deanna jiayou! focus on your studies. im sure you can do it like how CO managed to get Gold With Honours!
--bye--
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
ITS NOT JUST GOLD; ITS HONOURS.
after 2 consecutive years of gettting gold in zhco, my dream came true when they announced. "team 6, Nanyang Junior College, Gold... With Honours". and we all burst out in flames of joy and pride. we cheered and cheered, cried and cried all the way back even to school.
on the way, many words of thanks and xin ku le were heard and said by many ppl to many ppl. this syf has not only made us better and more skillful in our instrument, it really bonded co tgt. it felt like we were a big family and everyone is equally impt. tthis family feeling will never be found in competitive ccas. really. and the fact that we really took care of each other and helped one another really touched me. and i strongly feel that it is indeed this strong bond and strong determination and goal that has brought us this far. gold with honours is no easy job. like ive told someone this before. i've no idea how we did it. but we still did it, together. how we did it doesnt matter anymore, but what we had learnt and gain from it is far more impt. for me, ive gained friendship, learntleadership skills (even thou i wasnt a leader in the first place, i still learnt. cos i believe you dont need a position to lead and to help :D )
omgg. there are so many ppl to thank. mm.
cello/bass section (thou there's only me in bass): you guys really rock my socks. although i always pick out points that you all didnt do well, you all know that i mean well okay. we did an awesome job today and im so so so proud of our section :)
laoshis/leaders: without the laoshi's and zhiwen/pohzy/weijian's encouragement, we wouldnt even have the determination to continue enduring all the crap from ding. so really thankyou for being the emotional suppot for us :) (at least for me cos everytime i receive encouraging msges, i feel so motivated)
and lastly . obviously, NYCO! N-Y-CO-- yeah! we made it! its not a dream too far as long as we dream of the same thing together. thankyou NYCO. without NYCO, i wouldnt have been able to acheive GOLD WITH HONOURS!
GOLD WITH HONOURS! love you guys man! :)
on the way, many words of thanks and xin ku le were heard and said by many ppl to many ppl. this syf has not only made us better and more skillful in our instrument, it really bonded co tgt. it felt like we were a big family and everyone is equally impt. tthis family feeling will never be found in competitive ccas. really. and the fact that we really took care of each other and helped one another really touched me. and i strongly feel that it is indeed this strong bond and strong determination and goal that has brought us this far. gold with honours is no easy job. like ive told someone this before. i've no idea how we did it. but we still did it, together. how we did it doesnt matter anymore, but what we had learnt and gain from it is far more impt. for me, ive gained friendship, learntleadership skills (even thou i wasnt a leader in the first place, i still learnt. cos i believe you dont need a position to lead and to help :D )
omgg. there are so many ppl to thank. mm.
cello/bass section (thou there's only me in bass): you guys really rock my socks. although i always pick out points that you all didnt do well, you all know that i mean well okay. we did an awesome job today and im so so so proud of our section :)
laoshis/leaders: without the laoshi's and zhiwen/pohzy/weijian's encouragement, we wouldnt even have the determination to continue enduring all the crap from ding. so really thankyou for being the emotional suppot for us :) (at least for me cos everytime i receive encouraging msges, i feel so motivated)
and lastly . obviously, NYCO! N-Y-CO-- yeah! we made it! its not a dream too far as long as we dream of the same thing together. thankyou NYCO. without NYCO, i wouldnt have been able to acheive GOLD WITH HONOURS!
GOLD WITH HONOURS! love you guys man! :)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
ITS TOMORROW OR NEVER
TOMORROW IS THE DAY THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
AFTER ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH (scoldings ans scoldings, suans by dingy) its all worth it. although we still dont know how we will do tmr, we know we have made it thru up to this point. and we all deserve credit for every effort and all that we've been thru. :)
sometimes its really frustrating to see how some people can completely ignore the fact that they are really lagging behind and pulling everyone down! its really really very sngry for me to see ppl like that still being able to hun in it. very angry. but nvm. its okay. just as long as it doesnt affect the entire co. but there again. its not fair if these ppl get the credit if we really get GOH! hahah. but its okay. we are a family.
im ranting alr. didnt had enough sleep as i was doiing lots of stuff the night before and preparing stuff. co ended late too. so yeah. HAHHA! im talking nonsense alr. okay. bye.
im beginning to love NYCO :)
AFTER ALL THAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH (scoldings ans scoldings, suans by dingy) its all worth it. although we still dont know how we will do tmr, we know we have made it thru up to this point. and we all deserve credit for every effort and all that we've been thru. :)
sometimes its really frustrating to see how some people can completely ignore the fact that they are really lagging behind and pulling everyone down! its really really very sngry for me to see ppl like that still being able to hun in it. very angry. but nvm. its okay. just as long as it doesnt affect the entire co. but there again. its not fair if these ppl get the credit if we really get GOH! hahah. but its okay. we are a family.
im ranting alr. didnt had enough sleep as i was doiing lots of stuff the night before and preparing stuff. co ended late too. so yeah. HAHHA! im talking nonsense alr. okay. bye.
im beginning to love NYCO :)
Friday, May 1, 2009
distance
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASMINE.
ITS YOUR BDAY YTD AND I'LL PASS YOU YOUR PRESSIE SOON! :)
CO IS STRESSING ME LIKE CRAP. TIRED PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.
GOLD WITH HONOURS. JIAYOU!
why is it im feeling that im drifting from them. is it true that when i gain some, i must lose some? i dont wanna gain and i dont wanna lose den. cos the feeling of losing it hurts much more than getting what you never know was coming. i dont want.
ITS YOUR BDAY YTD AND I'LL PASS YOU YOUR PRESSIE SOON! :)
CO IS STRESSING ME LIKE CRAP. TIRED PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.
GOLD WITH HONOURS. JIAYOU!
why is it im feeling that im drifting from them. is it true that when i gain some, i must lose some? i dont wanna gain and i dont wanna lose den. cos the feeling of losing it hurts much more than getting what you never know was coming. i dont want.
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