CAROL ANN DUFFY LOVES ORANGES

i've been losing sleep for no reason. came home today tired. but now, im very very awake when im supposed to sleep. i've no idea wads up with my life. i got a feeling that im chionging too much of my work that it stresses me far to much. but.. i dunno. if i dont study now, when? i gotta change the teacher's impression of me of the "not studying kid". i am determined to study and do well okay. rmb the running shoe logic? hahah! at least i do rmb it myself. but oh well, its once again for me to prove it.

things have been fine these days. im going through school life well and copping up with my work and im constantly trying to keep the lead (that retainees are supposed to have over studies). it tough, cos when everyone else has time to digress, ive to continue studying. but its okay. 4As! ive managed to convince myself that getting 4As are not really impossible after having spend 3 years in jc. have to make the extra year worthwhile you see.

i wanted to read coral ann since i cant sleep. but i cant tell wad she is trying to write in her poems! so ive to go online to check. yupp. so im here, ending up blogging and playing texas on facebook. oh anyway. i lost ard 60000 chips in 1 day and now im earning it back slowly. mm. ive got ard 28000 now? thats so pathetic but nvm. better than nth. texas has been the best companion so far i guess. it patience, strategy and somthing else. i dont know wad. well. at least i dont lose real money. its in chips and i can get 2000 free chips everyday that i log in to play. so its really alright to lose sometimes. while waiting for opponents to think and bid, ive time to think also. not just about poker, but also other things. and one thing that ive came to a conclusion is that...

i realise i shouldnt look so much into my heart. follow the mind. listen to the heart. listen, but judge from the mind and at the very end, take the decision of the mind. only by constantly doing this, will a be able to manage family, friends, chinese orchestra, studies, unreasonable teachers and peers sometimes. daddy is perhaps corret. move a step back and you'll really see more of the sky. sometimes being so stubborn gets you no where. last year, i insisted that i can study and play hard at the same time. i suffered. well. i got punished for my willfulness. i can talk to my friends more about school work other than gossips. it is still able to keep us connected. i can talk to my family with more patience and less quarrels will occur. and they'll be more understanding to my need to spend lots of time in school and on studies. i can tolerate and forgive the unreasonable to make myself happier, and lighter without the burdens of others. its all within a decision.

now as i look back. it all seemed like a dream.
and this wasnt a very bad nor very good dream so far. i loved some parts of this dream but dreaded others. but this part of life and growing up isnt it? mummy always say that im far from growing up. it think so. but im trying. i may take a longer time to realise it and to grow. but eventually i know i will. i will!

we will have to go through hard times to enjoy the fruits.
now.. i only want to do well in mid years (at least "C" in all subjects) and for CO to do well. though i only joined this year, i stil want to do well. because i put in effort and i saw the efforts that were put in from others as well. gold with honours. its a dream. but dreams do come true. and we know we deserve it.

just like how a rainbow will form after a heavy downpour and how the sky is always darkest before dawn, i know my good days are coming. i just know it.

.awaits.